"(singing) Dirges in the Dark..."

I was singing along to "American Pie" the today, off an old mix CD Jorge made me long before we met... But the line 'we sang dirges in the dark' reminded me of my grandfather. I sang in choir all 6 years it was offered to us in middle school and high school. My grandparents came to every concert when they were in town. Towards the end of my years they missed the Holiday Concert because they would leave before the cold settled in Wisconsin.

My father was a busy man, always on the road trucking to make money for my mom and us three kids. We lived comfortably because of this and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful life he gave to us and the great example he set on what it is to be a good father and husband. However, he was often absent physically. My maternal grandfather often took his place for such things. He was at my concerts, always towards the front in the chairs they had set up. When I ran for queen of my town festival the second time he was my escort on stage. I got some wonderful pictures with him and I. I am really glad I did, my sister just told me recently she does not really have any. There is one in particular I cherish which was taken at my cousin's wedding. Thank you, Ann, for taking it.

Unfortunately, the end of this October it will have been a whole year since he passed. He hated the condition he had come to live in and I know he is now somewhere peaceful amidst expansive fields of fresh air and recently mowed fairways. That last picture I have of us together before he became very ill served as his seat next to grandma at my wedding, which was only 4 months later. I did not attend the funeral, I went up two weeks before and spent my time in the nursing home with him, just holding his hand. We learned I probably would not make much of a nurse but I'm a good bedside company. He told my husband "take care of my grandababy girl, Jorge." It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it... Mom said he went peacefully and I try to look on the bright side that he was very ready. Another song we sang at a concert I think my grandfather went to is called "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." One verse is sung as follows:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep...
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best."

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I did not die."

Jorge tells me sorrow is a feeling selfish to the one expressing it, for we do so wanting those we've lost to be back with us. So, I try hard to let go and be selfless. I try to imagine the many places where my grandfather could be that would be heaven for him. But most of all I want to imagine him walking easily and breathing without labor. I try to imagine him as he would want to be imagined...