Expression of my Hands

Not into it today...

2008-12-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

So I had a little trouble sleeping last night... Callie insists on attention when she realizes I am awake. I'm not sure what has gotten into her lately but she insists on laying on my neck, right on my face... its a bit out of character but not. She can be demanding but she usually behaves herself a little more. Jorge thought it was because she was hungry so I got up at one point for a drink of water and when she's hungry she'll chase you into the kitchen if you hint going that way... but not so. she didn't even move from her spot on the bed.

Then this morning I didn't want to get up... I wasn't necessarily tired. I honestly just wanted to lay there. To just exist and nothing more. Laying there, pet the cat (Who sleeps across the bed at this point that Jorge is not in bed any more.) Jorge is getting ready to go, shower, dressing... doesn't tell me what he's going to do. Maybe he thought I was still sleeping, I do not know. I was bothered but not angry or annoyed. I got up finally, he told me where he was going and such, and now here I am... sitting, watching tv. I should go out and buy a cheap shower curtain. I'm going to cover the bed in the guest room with the litter box because Callie has thought its her place to poop lately and I'm sick of washing the bedsheets and making the bed for something no one has or will sleep in for months.

We have a little tree, I didn't feel like asking him to go with me and hassle with a real tree again this year. No one is coming over to our house as far as I know. So I haven't done much... I like our little tree. I've wrapped the gifts here so far and Jorge wrapped mine. Which is sweet...

I'll look into something to do for us, take a weekend trip or something while we're both off work. I'd love to go to the Keyes or something but I do not know if it is something we should spend money on right now. We'll see. I want to get ahead, start paying things off and then saving to do things like that. Instead of spending and then having to pay it off. Hopefully it works and isn't all just talk.

Working from home...

2008-12-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

So that's what I've been doing for the most part, working from home. Its not all its cracked up to be I think. Its a little harder for me to be motivated to focus at times. I get too comfortable and then sleepy and have to get up off the couch, away from my laptop for a little bit so I can focus better. I'm staring at the times interpreters have given me and the times student have classes, wishing that they would match up. They do eventually. Just have to figure out the semantics and such.

Holidays are looking to be a bit dull I think. We'll have dinner with Jorge's dad on Christmas eve probably. Opening gifts whenever, drinks with friends perhaps. Its a little strange to me since I'm so used to big todos during the holidays. Christmas Eve with dad's side, Christmas Day with mom's side and often an extended family party on my dad's sometime around or after New Years... then whatever else friends nearby wanted to plan for. this is evidently enough trouble for us though. Christmas gifts have been gotten for the most part but not sent. Tsk, tsk, I know... but then at least family getting together will have a few days and then, surprise, more gifts! That sounds nice, right? Like Christmas all over again somewhat.

After this I am getting into budget making mode and putting my foot down about sticking to it! There are two of us, it should not be too hard to control. Right? We shall see... Well, that's it for my break. Back to staring at schedules...

Still unmotivated...

2008-12-09T17:52:00.000-08:00

So, not a whole lot going on. The semester is over. I took my two finals, I got high B's in both classes. I am still waiting for a hold to be lifted on my account to register for next semester. I suspect I will not have much to choose from for classes but it should be fine.

I just do not feel like doing much of anything... I think we should maybe go out more. Just get drinks, hang out or something... But I'm not exactly the going out type and neither is Jorge. We need nudging. But I guess if I take the initiative we can have some fun together, reconnect again.

This coming semester I think I will dance twice a week. I have my regular class and the university has a practice session on Friday afternoons too. I also found a place that offers horseback riding lessons in the area for a decent price. I would really enjoy that. I want to start exercising 3 times a week as well.... I know I have set these kinds of goals in the past and they can be quite short lived. But then again I'm not going to completely forget about them... perhaps one of these times something will stick...

Unmotivated...

2008-11-13T05:58:00.001-08:00

Okay so October was horrible blog month for me. I managed to get one post in at the beginning at least. This month isn't turning out well either... But I just did not feel motivated to come on here and write. Felt like an emotional kiddy coaster I think. Not bad just the constant little ups and downs were annoying and gave me a little motion sickness. My rational mind is trying to convince my emotions that everything is all right. I've thought things through, I am satisfied with my conclusions, but I still get sad and upset.

Jorge goes out with his cousin less but sometimes I just feel momentarily abandoned. He has a relationship with her I know I cannot have. But I have a relationship with him she cannot have. They are different and I'm fine with that. I'm doing better, it only happens when he is actually getting ready to leave I get sad. Besides, they usually hang out on a work night when I would not go out at that time anyway. I need my sleep. So I'm not losing anything really.

Okay, so that is my frustration with my own internal clash. On the other side he is still as sweet as he always was... its the little things I especially like, honestly. Little rub on the back, or how most of the time when he walks back into the bedroom and I sit on the little couch he'll rub my hair walking past... Holding hands when driving somewhere.

I've been trying to get in better touch with my inner housewife... Jorge's househusband side has become less lately, not bad. We just go through cycles, you know. I was never really good at it though, so I'm trying more. But its hitting the end of the year and I'm getting those 'blahs'... where I'm ready for something new. Work has not been incredibly exciting this semester at all. I have one interesting class I do. The people are great as always.

Ugh... I just do not feel like writing right now. I"m not sure why. I gotta go to work again now anyway. Off to my next assignment and, oh, maybe a chocolate malt will uplift my spirits. mmm, yes I think so.

Happy Testing!!!

2008-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Wooo! so I got a B on my second test of the semester which makes me happy. Much better than that cursed 76% on my first one in the other class... so I'm quite pleased with myself and I think I'll spend the $10 gift card from Victoria secret later today as a treat for myself. Jorge is out buying groceries for dinner with FiL and whomever comes along with. I think we're having chicken enchiladas, yum! Later tonight my goal is to get something done about my personal/professional website www.KeriAnnsHands.com. Earlier Jorge was trying to work on some sort of redirect so I can just use some of his domain space with my own domain name. That way I do not have to pay for hosting myself. All he has on his is a make-shift website he did for a class and our photo gallery. A few other things too I believe but not too much...

Anyway, I guess I should go be productive in the house once more now that I finished my homework.

This first weekend of October...

2008-10-04T11:39:00.001-07:00

Well this last week felt pretty good. No real crisis at work other than one person getting a flat tire. I feel like I am finally getting the hang of this coordinating schedules. At least it seems a lot less awkward. I have been getting a bit hung up on my homework for online classes. I try to keep ahead of the curve but I really do not like how it is less organized than a regular class. I guess I'll return to the classroom this spring semester. Once I deal with the colleges in Wisconsin to send stuff so that they actually let me register at my current college.

This weekend is full of stuff actually. Today was going to be a lazy day and now we have Jorge's family coming over for dinner. Just his dad and Zory I believe. Ana is off at work most likely but it means clean, clean, clean... and I should not be so lazy and slow on my progress here. I should be cleaning up a storm at this very moment but I sat down for a momentary break. Jorge is at the gym so he'll never know, shhh! I've only been on here five minutes anyway.

Tomorrow we are going to have lunch with a coworker of mine and her family. SHe is being so kind as to let me record a conversation with her daughter for a class project in Language development. No pressure on the kid, really. All I need to do is sit down and let her talk about anything she wants. But I look forward to having a sort of nice outting with my husband and another family. I do not think we've done this since Jorge's coworker and his family moved away. We hang out with others but I guess this is just a touch different. Not sure how....

Oh well, back to the house work for me. Once I am done with this then I sit down and take a test, my second for this semester. Eek! I hope I do better than I did in my other class.

And life goes on...

2008-09-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

what is going on... I am trying to make life more interesting. I am trying to make genuine changes at Jorge's behest. Even if I do not agree with some of the points he has made, some are valid. I do not think I've been lazy in trying to make friends. It is different here, even if a lot of the people are American as I am they are not the same from the Midwest as they are from Florida... I came from a small town and even after years of living in larger towns does not make me any more qualified to understand the ideals and perspectives that people who grew up in this atmosphere have. I may be friendly and outgoing but that does not mean I have people clamoring to go out and have a drink with me.

SO I am taking a different approach. I am not cutting my points on making friends or who I get along with on a higher level than acquaintances. It leads to trouble, I am sure. Instead I am just trying to get more involved. I am looking into volunteering for a equine therapy program that helps disadvantages kids. Also to get more involved with the Deaf events in the community here. I need to make contact with some of the ASL teachers here, even though I most likely will not be taking any of their classes. Dancing is great fun though I do not make much for friends there. There is not much time/chance for talking.

At home I am also trying to be more involved. Instigate more conversation, suggestions for things to do. I hope it all makes for progress and that Jorge does not feel so pressured to 'take care' of me. I guess deep down I had this sense that a marriage was kind of the overpowering relationship and situation of ones life. You live for one another. While I still believe it, I'm compromising that he obviously wants time for himself. He hangs out with his friends/acquaintances and his little cousin. I have to remember that in it all he still comes home to me. And I hope he remembers that I am just as much a foreigner in this state as he was however many years ago it was he moved here. Yes there was a larger cultural gap but that does not make it any easier on me. Its now my experience and my working uphill to create something from nothing. No family here, all I have is Jorge. And I hope he remains a sturdy foundation on which to build my life. I will try my best to be a good foundation for his own.

I hope I do not create the situation for Jorge to draw me down again. Even if its true it hurts to hear that people are only friends with me because of him. I know relationships can be superficial, there's no need to point it out. It makes it sound like my worth is somehow lower, even if it is not the case. Its just the way of the world but why do we have to point it out so blatantly? You do not usually tell someone you love that 'hey, you're fat.' Try to be considerate about it. You say you are concerned about their weight and their health as a consequence. There are common courtesies even amidst candid married partners.

"(singing) Dirges in the Dark..."

2008-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was singing along to "American Pie" the today, off an old mix CD Jorge made me long before we met... But the line 'we sang dirges in the dark' reminded me of my grandfather. I sang in choir all 6 years it was offered to us in middle school and high school. My grandparents came to every concert when they were in town. Towards the end of my years they missed the Holiday Concert because they would leave before the cold settled in Wisconsin.

My father was a busy man, always on the road trucking to make money for my mom and us three kids. We lived comfortably because of this and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful life he gave to us and the great example he set on what it is to be a good father and husband. However, he was often absent physically. My maternal grandfather often took his place for such things. He was at my concerts, always towards the front in the chairs they had set up. When I ran for queen of my town festival the second time he was my escort on stage. I got some wonderful pictures with him and I. I am really glad I did, my sister just told me recently she does not really have any. There is one in particular I cherish which was taken at my cousin's wedding. Thank you, Ann, for taking it.

Unfortunately, the end of this October it will have been a whole year since he passed. He hated the condition he had come to live in and I know he is now somewhere peaceful amidst expansive fields of fresh air and recently mowed fairways. That last picture I have of us together before he became very ill served as his seat next to grandma at my wedding, which was only 4 months later. I did not attend the funeral, I went up two weeks before and spent my time in the nursing home with him, just holding his hand. We learned I probably would not make much of a nurse but I'm a good bedside company. He told my husband "take care of my grandababy girl, Jorge." It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it... Mom said he went peacefully and I try to look on the bright side that he was very ready. Another song we sang at a concert I think my grandfather went to is called "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." One verse is sung as follows:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep...
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best."

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I did not die."

Jorge tells me sorrow is a feeling selfish to the one expressing it, for we do so wanting those we've lost to be back with us. So, I try hard to let go and be selfless. I try to imagine the many places where my grandfather could be that would be heaven for him. But most of all I want to imagine him walking easily and breathing without labor. I try to imagine him as he would want to be imagined...

Brief Update... more to come...

2008-09-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Work has been chaotic. I never really got into the blog update swing of things before the world came crashing down on me. I'm working at the university and at the community college here as a captionist. I have also taken on the position of coordinating/scheduling interpreters at the university. This is where things get chaotic... I'm spending my breaks between captioning assignments on my phone or email. We have far more students than providers. I think I could safely say almost half has many providers to the number of students. When classes are more than an hour I have to team people up. So 3 hour class blocks I have 2 providers who are not available for anything else during that time... No wonder my boss asked me to take it on. She was promoted a year ago to Department head or whatever her nice new title is and this is just too time consuming for her to manage any more.

Home life... I feel like Jorge pays more attention to his little cousin than me. We spend more time together, of course by just living with one another. However, its like he's younger than me rather than 7 years older. He goes out late with her and they hang out on Friday nights sometimes too. Which is really fine, I do my own thing too. Every other Friday I go signing and that is what I did this Friday. However, when I was done with that come to find out they were at the exact same mall I was and went to dinner after. No invitation to me or anything. I'm not upset, more disappointed. I came home and sat alone until 11:30 or something until they came home with a movie.

I tell myself he did the same thing with his other cousin before she moved back to Colombia (This ones older sister actually.) But I was living in Minnesota then and I could careless. Now that I am here I spend time with him just sitting on our respective laptops and not even really talking. I do most of it of course. Chatter box that I am and sometimes wonder when I talk if he pays attention. I know he does though, he follows along and asks me about things later so I am lucky. I am very lucky. I guess I just wish he would include me. He says I do not have 'rapport' with her, which is true but how am I supposed to have one if they do not include me in their outings? Again, I'm really not bothered by it mostly but when they are out to dinner and I am just home alone, I would like an invitation. Their culture is different from mine and perhaps more candid conversation is made without me there, but after wandering around the mall for an hour or so together I would think they would have had enough chance to talk and would not mind including me in dinner at least... Jorge wants me to make friends here, which I am trying to. I just do not have family here so its trying to make friends in passing with people at classes and work. Problem is, I'm one of the youngest at work so there's a little gap....

anyway, I make it sounds worse than it actually is. I think because I'm so busy and Jorge is now going out without me I feel a little lonesome. Perhaps I am naive, that I do not see the gap of generation or culture. Though with his cousin, there is no generation gap really... she's my own little sister's age after all... Guess its just disheartening the one place I kind of expect to 'inherently' belong I do not seem to. Such is life, it has always been that way for me. Shame on my optimism to hope that over time that would change. Oh well, a hot bath is waiting for me and my sore back. I'll go soak in that instead of this momentary bubble of self-pity or whatever you'd care to call it.

The first seeds...

2008-08-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

I hope to one day start my own freelance business. Really I'd be happy to just network with people, create business relationships of my own and get some freelance work of my own. Maybe some day I will get ambitious and coordinate others. I registered a domain and ordered some contact cards. I plan to use the site I set up as a combination of a professional site for my work and as a hobby site, maybe make some extra money doing portraits and other artsy things for commission. We will see, I've talked about it in the past.

Today was kind of long and boring. I've been working on the home budget and my work schedule for the coming fall. I will be able to register for classes next week. We'll see what I can get a week before the semester starts. I am looking for only 6 credits, at least one class online probably. Then my loans will go back into deferred status. I am saving up for the first payments, just in case. No more loans for school here though. I hope to dedicate my money from working to tuition, gas, and saving for a down payment on a house. Jorge mentions a house now and then, its obviously important to him and important to me as well. I want to have a home before we have children, which gives us a few years yet... I also hope we can pay it down for the most part and not have a large mortgage. Financial independence, that is what I want for my immediate family so that we can then help take care of those in our extended family who may need it.

Such are the dreams of many people... I think we have a good foundation to reach such goals. Here is to hope.

Set backs...

2008-08-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is my own laziness that sets me back but I have become rather cautious in regards to somethings. Tonight I should have gone belly dancing. But I was having sharp pains in my lower back from just walking about. I must have pinched something while cleaning, I am not sure. I've managed to find a comfortable sitting position but I'm hesitant to move too much. Not so pleasant since I am a fidgety person to begin with. I will have to practice extra the moves I did learn. Maybe I'll find a cheap DVD for more daily or semi-daily work outs.

I've been napping a lot lately too. Jorge is sick and I've come down with a little something myself too. Mostly just drainage and just being exhausted. Been trying to watch what I eat, smaller portions and less condiments. Given up the mayo and mustard on my sandwiches for a splash of red wine vinegar and the little juice from some banana peppers. Mmm, I may just make myself one in a minute. My real vice is still cheese... I just enjoy a little nibbling of it, especially in the evening. I suppose it could be worse... oh and bagels with cream cheese. But I am trying to cut back and here's hoping that in a few months it shows on my blood test. I'm too young for cholesterol issues.

To my osteopathic doctor.

2008-08-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

So those who know me know that I have difficulties with my back and joints. I grit my teeth for years and over the last two years tried to take care of it. Luck bounced me down along several doctors, all wonderful, until I found the one I needed. Today I had a great session and I feel great. My body is exhausted but in such a way I do not remember feeling. I just want to lounge and not carry my own weight. Lazily laid back in my bed with my laptop, I feel I could sleep in as long as I like and not have pain drag me out of bed! Pity I plan to set a decent time for myself to be getting up. Wake up, exercise, set things out for hubby's breakfast/lunch and kiss him good-bye for work. Then make myself look like a lovely lady, try to tame the fuzziness that has some how appeared as a result of daily humidity. A bit of makeup, mostly for the foundation SPF so my poor fair skin does not get fussy about some extra sun... Oh, I hope I can finally crack down on myself... we shall see.