what is going on... I am trying to make life more interesting. I am trying to make genuine changes at Jorge's behest. Even if I do not agree with some of the points he has made, some are valid. I do not think I've been lazy in trying to make friends. It is different here, even if a lot of the people are American as I am they are not the same from the Midwest as they are from Florida... I came from a small town and even after years of living in larger towns does not make me any more qualified to understand the ideals and perspectives that people who grew up in this atmosphere have. I may be friendly and outgoing but that does not mean I have people clamoring to go out and have a drink with me.
SO I am taking a different approach. I am not cutting my points on making friends or who I get along with on a higher level than acquaintances. It leads to trouble, I am sure. Instead I am just trying to get more involved. I am looking into volunteering for a equine therapy program that helps disadvantages kids. Also to get more involved with the Deaf events in the community here. I need to make contact with some of the ASL teachers here, even though I most likely will not be taking any of their classes. Dancing is great fun though I do not make much for friends there. There is not much time/chance for talking.
At home I am also trying to be more involved. Instigate more conversation, suggestions for things to do. I hope it all makes for progress and that Jorge does not feel so pressured to 'take care' of me. I guess deep down I had this sense that a marriage was kind of the overpowering relationship and situation of ones life. You live for one another. While I still believe it, I'm compromising that he obviously wants time for himself. He hangs out with his friends/acquaintances and his little cousin. I have to remember that in it all he still comes home to me. And I hope he remembers that I am just as much a foreigner in this state as he was however many years ago it was he moved here. Yes there was a larger cultural gap but that does not make it any easier on me. Its now my experience and my working uphill to create something from nothing. No family here, all I have is Jorge. And I hope he remains a sturdy foundation on which to build my life. I will try my best to be a good foundation for his own.
I hope I do not create the situation for Jorge to draw me down again. Even if its true it hurts to hear that people are only friends with me because of him. I know relationships can be superficial, there's no need to point it out. It makes it sound like my worth is somehow lower, even if it is not the case. Its just the way of the world but why do we have to point it out so blatantly? You do not usually tell someone you love that 'hey, you're fat.' Try to be considerate about it. You say you are concerned about their weight and their health as a consequence. There are common courtesies even amidst candid married partners.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
"(singing) Dirges in the Dark..."
I was singing along to "American Pie" the today, off an old mix CD Jorge made me long before we met... But the line 'we sang dirges in the dark' reminded me of my grandfather. I sang in choir all 6 years it was offered to us in middle school and high school. My grandparents came to every concert when they were in town. Towards the end of my years they missed the Holiday Concert because they would leave before the cold settled in Wisconsin.
My father was a busy man, always on the road trucking to make money for my mom and us three kids. We lived comfortably because of this and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful life he gave to us and the great example he set on what it is to be a good father and husband. However, he was often absent physically. My maternal grandfather often took his place for such things. He was at my concerts, always towards the front in the chairs they had set up. When I ran for queen of my town festival the second time he was my escort on stage. I got some wonderful pictures with him and I. I am really glad I did, my sister just told me recently she does not really have any. There is one in particular I cherish which was taken at my cousin's wedding. Thank you, Ann, for taking it.
Unfortunately, the end of this October it will have been a whole year since he passed. He hated the condition he had come to live in and I know he is now somewhere peaceful amidst expansive fields of fresh air and recently mowed fairways. That last picture I have of us together before he became very ill served as his seat next to grandma at my wedding, which was only 4 months later. I did not attend the funeral, I went up two weeks before and spent my time in the nursing home with him, just holding his hand. We learned I probably would not make much of a nurse but I'm a good bedside company. He told my husband "take care of my grandababy girl, Jorge." It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it... Mom said he went peacefully and I try to look on the bright side that he was very ready. Another song we sang at a concert I think my grandfather went to is called "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." One verse is sung as follows:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep...
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best."
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I did not die."
Jorge tells me sorrow is a feeling selfish to the one expressing it, for we do so wanting those we've lost to be back with us. So, I try hard to let go and be selfless. I try to imagine the many places where my grandfather could be that would be heaven for him. But most of all I want to imagine him walking easily and breathing without labor. I try to imagine him as he would want to be imagined...
My father was a busy man, always on the road trucking to make money for my mom and us three kids. We lived comfortably because of this and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful life he gave to us and the great example he set on what it is to be a good father and husband. However, he was often absent physically. My maternal grandfather often took his place for such things. He was at my concerts, always towards the front in the chairs they had set up. When I ran for queen of my town festival the second time he was my escort on stage. I got some wonderful pictures with him and I. I am really glad I did, my sister just told me recently she does not really have any. There is one in particular I cherish which was taken at my cousin's wedding. Thank you, Ann, for taking it.
Unfortunately, the end of this October it will have been a whole year since he passed. He hated the condition he had come to live in and I know he is now somewhere peaceful amidst expansive fields of fresh air and recently mowed fairways. That last picture I have of us together before he became very ill served as his seat next to grandma at my wedding, which was only 4 months later. I did not attend the funeral, I went up two weeks before and spent my time in the nursing home with him, just holding his hand. We learned I probably would not make much of a nurse but I'm a good bedside company. He told my husband "take care of my grandababy girl, Jorge." It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it... Mom said he went peacefully and I try to look on the bright side that he was very ready. Another song we sang at a concert I think my grandfather went to is called "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep." One verse is sung as follows:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep...
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best."
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I did not die."
Jorge tells me sorrow is a feeling selfish to the one expressing it, for we do so wanting those we've lost to be back with us. So, I try hard to let go and be selfless. I try to imagine the many places where my grandfather could be that would be heaven for him. But most of all I want to imagine him walking easily and breathing without labor. I try to imagine him as he would want to be imagined...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Brief Update... more to come...
Work has been chaotic. I never really got into the blog update swing of things before the world came crashing down on me. I'm working at the university and at the community college here as a captionist. I have also taken on the position of coordinating/scheduling interpreters at the university. This is where things get chaotic... I'm spending my breaks between captioning assignments on my phone or email. We have far more students than providers. I think I could safely say almost half has many providers to the number of students. When classes are more than an hour I have to team people up. So 3 hour class blocks I have 2 providers who are not available for anything else during that time... No wonder my boss asked me to take it on. She was promoted a year ago to Department head or whatever her nice new title is and this is just too time consuming for her to manage any more.
Home life... I feel like Jorge pays more attention to his little cousin than me. We spend more time together, of course by just living with one another. However, its like he's younger than me rather than 7 years older. He goes out late with her and they hang out on Friday nights sometimes too. Which is really fine, I do my own thing too. Every other Friday I go signing and that is what I did this Friday. However, when I was done with that come to find out they were at the exact same mall I was and went to dinner after. No invitation to me or anything. I'm not upset, more disappointed. I came home and sat alone until 11:30 or something until they came home with a movie.
I tell myself he did the same thing with his other cousin before she moved back to Colombia (This ones older sister actually.) But I was living in Minnesota then and I could careless. Now that I am here I spend time with him just sitting on our respective laptops and not even really talking. I do most of it of course. Chatter box that I am and sometimes wonder when I talk if he pays attention. I know he does though, he follows along and asks me about things later so I am lucky. I am very lucky. I guess I just wish he would include me. He says I do not have 'rapport' with her, which is true but how am I supposed to have one if they do not include me in their outings? Again, I'm really not bothered by it mostly but when they are out to dinner and I am just home alone, I would like an invitation. Their culture is different from mine and perhaps more candid conversation is made without me there, but after wandering around the mall for an hour or so together I would think they would have had enough chance to talk and would not mind including me in dinner at least... Jorge wants me to make friends here, which I am trying to. I just do not have family here so its trying to make friends in passing with people at classes and work. Problem is, I'm one of the youngest at work so there's a little gap....
anyway, I make it sounds worse than it actually is. I think because I'm so busy and Jorge is now going out without me I feel a little lonesome. Perhaps I am naive, that I do not see the gap of generation or culture. Though with his cousin, there is no generation gap really... she's my own little sister's age after all... Guess its just disheartening the one place I kind of expect to 'inherently' belong I do not seem to. Such is life, it has always been that way for me. Shame on my optimism to hope that over time that would change. Oh well, a hot bath is waiting for me and my sore back. I'll go soak in that instead of this momentary bubble of self-pity or whatever you'd care to call it.
Home life... I feel like Jorge pays more attention to his little cousin than me. We spend more time together, of course by just living with one another. However, its like he's younger than me rather than 7 years older. He goes out late with her and they hang out on Friday nights sometimes too. Which is really fine, I do my own thing too. Every other Friday I go signing and that is what I did this Friday. However, when I was done with that come to find out they were at the exact same mall I was and went to dinner after. No invitation to me or anything. I'm not upset, more disappointed. I came home and sat alone until 11:30 or something until they came home with a movie.
I tell myself he did the same thing with his other cousin before she moved back to Colombia (This ones older sister actually.) But I was living in Minnesota then and I could careless. Now that I am here I spend time with him just sitting on our respective laptops and not even really talking. I do most of it of course. Chatter box that I am and sometimes wonder when I talk if he pays attention. I know he does though, he follows along and asks me about things later so I am lucky. I am very lucky. I guess I just wish he would include me. He says I do not have 'rapport' with her, which is true but how am I supposed to have one if they do not include me in their outings? Again, I'm really not bothered by it mostly but when they are out to dinner and I am just home alone, I would like an invitation. Their culture is different from mine and perhaps more candid conversation is made without me there, but after wandering around the mall for an hour or so together I would think they would have had enough chance to talk and would not mind including me in dinner at least... Jorge wants me to make friends here, which I am trying to. I just do not have family here so its trying to make friends in passing with people at classes and work. Problem is, I'm one of the youngest at work so there's a little gap....
anyway, I make it sounds worse than it actually is. I think because I'm so busy and Jorge is now going out without me I feel a little lonesome. Perhaps I am naive, that I do not see the gap of generation or culture. Though with his cousin, there is no generation gap really... she's my own little sister's age after all... Guess its just disheartening the one place I kind of expect to 'inherently' belong I do not seem to. Such is life, it has always been that way for me. Shame on my optimism to hope that over time that would change. Oh well, a hot bath is waiting for me and my sore back. I'll go soak in that instead of this momentary bubble of self-pity or whatever you'd care to call it.
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